Sunday, January 24, 2010

Whine wine

I am a real whiner, aren't I? Or is that a whino? ?

No I am not broken, and thank Goddess for that.
Also, the missing piece is only a self-perceived missing piece. Thank Goddess for that too.

Practicing the presence of Goddess includes living with an attitude of gratitude and I *really* need to work on that part!

I am grateful for the presence of a wonderful man, wonderful lover, in my life.

So there. Pbbfftt!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I am not broken

I am not broken.

I have never contemplated my own suicide.

I have never married, or even lived with, a man old enough to be my father. [Full disclosure: in my late 20's I did date a man 30 years older for a few months.]

I can change my own light bulbs.

I have never done hard drugs, nor been arrested for substance abuse issues.

I emerged from the divorce as a strong, whole, and healthy person. I am financially secure and own my own home. My children are healthy and happy.

-----

However

-----

I do have a piece missing.

It would be nice [I think] to have someone who looks to me, and my wants / desires / needs, first before all others.

I have a primary partner but I want to be a primary partner.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

On the cusp of a new decade

I really wanted to have something profound to write tonight but nothing comes to mind.

It may be a mark of how far into the polyamory lifestyle I am -- my lover is spending tonight at our vacation house with his other lover while his wife is going to sleep over at my house tonight.

Happy New Year, and Goddess bless us, every one.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

He

He brings out the best in me; because of him I reach higher.
He believes I am strong; because of him I am.
He calls me intrepid and I become fearless.

He believes I am beautiful and I walk in grace.
He is kind, caring and compassionate, so I strive to be.
His soul holds no pettiness, so it leaches out of mine.

Because of him I am a better person; I become the woman he believes me to be.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Culmination

The journey started in March 2006. Newly divorced, looking around for a way to support myself, I stumbled on Veterinary Nursing, shadowed Mika for a day at Santa Clara Pet Hospital and fell in love with a whole profession. Highlights of the journey --

April 10, 2006 -- Intro to Vet Tech course began. Also began the collection of transcripts and documentation necessary for applying to Foothill College's Vet Tech program.

August 13, 2006 -- First "Peninsula Fix Our Ferals" (PFOF) clinic. I drew up medications into syringes and learned how to give sub-cutaneous injections into real, living, cats! OK, so they were anesthetized at the time, but ... still ... !

Fall Quarter 2006, began my "remedial" Anatomy & Physiology and Chemistry classes because it had been too long since I had taken them in college. I also got to take my first "real" VT class -- Medical Terminology. Whee!

Winter Quarter 2006, more A&P and a VT Medical Maths class. I can do this!

Spring Quarter 2007, last A&P class along with a VT Large Animal Medicine class and ... quelle horreur ... Microbiology four nights a week! June 2006 arrived and survival with it. In July, the precious acceptance letter.

Fall Quarter 2007 and REAL VT courses. September 27, 2007 was my first (of hundreds!) Animal Care shift.

April 2008, internship began at Banfield Pet Hospital

June 2008, right after final exams, my first convention: Pacific Veterinary Conference, exposure to best practices and latest ideas and vendors galore.

September 26, 2008, along with co-Lab Mom Melinda, oriented a new class of Firsties.

February 2009, second big convention, Western Veterinary Conference, in Las Vegas, baby!

June 2009, VTNE(Veterinary Technician National Exam) and then graduation with my whole family at hand.

October 27, 2009, CARVT (California Registered Veterinary Technician) exam.

Today in the mail, the official certificate that my hospital has to post, right next to the doctors' licenses!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

A Witch's New Year

Samhain is a time for celebrating life and remembering the dead; it is also a time for reflecting on the old year and planning for the new.

Reflection

I have -- children who are, for the most part, healthy and happy.

I have -- a lover who loves me, who treats me wonderfully.

I have -- a small group of friends I love, who love me; and we all rely on each other for mutual support.

I have -- after studying hard for a few years, achieved recognition and certification in a profession where I can make a difference and where I am proud to work with a group of amazing colleagues.

I have -- a comfortable house in a safe and friendly neighborhood; the house belongs 1/3 to the bank but 2/3 is mine outright.

The secret to happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got. And that is why I am so blue today. There are some things lacking, things I want and haven't got and I can't seem get past that.

I want -- a job where I can respect my supervisor; where I can work for someone who values my knowledge, competence and contributions; where I am compensated at least at the profession's minimum rather than close to minimum wage; where I am treated as a fellow professional rather than as a servant.

I want -- a partner who looks to me first for affection, companionship, love; someone I can turn to on dark nights and rainy days; someone to play with in the sunshine; someone to make plans for the future with; someone to grow old with.

Planning

Already, I have taken steps to resolve the professional issue. My resume is winging its way around the county and a bit beyond, accompanied by the best cover letters I can compose. My hope is that it will bring me more professional satisfaction, contentment, fulfillment and financial security.

Tomorrow night, my Full Moon ritual will attempt to do the same for the relationship issue. My petition to Goddess will wing its way into the universe, and perhaps a bit beyond, accompanied by the best prayers I can compose. My hope is that it will bring me a companion to soothe my fears of growing old alone.

Perhaps, by this time next year, I will no longer want what I don't have; either because I have obtained it or because I have become more enlightened. Stay tuned ... news at 11/1/10

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

musings on the desert

I grew up in a soft, green, wet, humid, cool (and sometimes cold), world of old mountains. I thought I had traveled as far from there as possible to my present home in a (still) green, drier land of newer mountains and hills, flat lands and ocean.

The other day I visited yet another world: of high desert, Joshua Trees, cacti, drought loving (not merely tolerant) plants with alien shapes. Driving by at 70 mph you see merely a blur of what is not -- not green, not wet, not "pretty", certainly not soft.

Stop to wander, carefully, look closely; beauty in a new and strange form. Not soft, oh no. Edgy; dangerous even, for the unwary. Hot, unmerciful sun; relentless wind; no place for the careless, casual tourist.

Carry water; remember to drink it. The very air will suck your body dry and leave the husk behind, a curiosity for the next tourist to wonder over.

Home again, in the soft land, I count the days until I can return. Part of my soul was left behind and it wanders the box canyon, waiting for me.

My Chickens' First Night

 Sunset  was at 8:11 pm so I went out to the pen a little after 8. The three chickens were milling around, scratching and peeping and seemin...