Heros and friends

Almost every night during the five years before the end, I would have difficulty falling asleep.

Either there was physical abuse or, more often, psychological abuse and until I knew he was asleep, I was afraid to close my eyes or let down my guard. Because he could turn on me again. And want rough sex or want to berate me or want to catalog my failings as a wife as a mother as a woman as a person. But not as a person, because he didn't see me as a separate person. I was wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, cleaner, punching bag, stepping stool for his fragile, and often fractured, ego.

Each night, I would cower on the far side of the bed, waiting for his breathing to slow and grow steady, then the snore, then the apnic breathing that let me know he was asleep and I was safe for now. And maybe he would die in his sleep and I would be safe forever.

Each night, as I lay there waiting, I would rub my head, run fingers through my hair, and whisper to myself, "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me." My White Knight, my Hero, would hold me in his arms and whisper, in a deep low voice, "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me."

The bad times are over. I am strong and whole and secure now. I am separate from that life and safe in this one. And my Hero sleeps next to me, rubbing my head, running his fingers through my hair, until I fall asleep. "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me."

I Love You. My Hero. My Friend.

untwisting the knickers

The fact of their intimate relationship and the nature of that relationship is none of my business. The fact and the nature of *our* relationship is.

Sometimes a facet of their relationship may cause me discomfort or even pain. I may or may not choose to pitch a fit about it or to stay silent. Either way, I will deal with my pain or discomfort.

If I do pitch a fit, then he will have the choice to deal with that or not. However, “not dealing with it” should not entail preemptive dishonesty, whether outright lying or misdirection or deception of any sort.

I feel patronized when my choice to be upset or not is removed by his not being completely open and honest. Lies of omission are as serious as lies of commission.

We have promised to try to have “no twisted knickers” and I have tried to be as open and honest as I can. Not “as much truth as the relationship can bear”, but rather as much truth as we can find.

songs of the daisy

I love you.
I want you.

I cannot make you love or want me.

If you do

it will be super

it will be brilliant

it will be incandescent

If you do not

I will miss you
But the greater loss will be yours.

Whine wine

I am a real whiner, aren't I? Or is that a whino? ?

No I am not broken, and thank Goddess for that.
Also, the missing piece is only a self-perceived missing piece. Thank Goddess for that too.

Practicing the presence of Goddess includes living with an attitude of gratitude and I *really* need to work on that part!

I am grateful for the presence of a wonderful man, wonderful lover, in my life.

So there. Pbbfftt!

I am not broken

I am not broken.

I have never contemplated my own suicide.

I have never married, or even lived with, a man old enough to be my father. [Full disclosure: in my late 20's I did date a man 30 years older for a few months.]

I can change my own light bulbs.

I have never done hard drugs, nor been arrested for substance abuse issues.

I emerged from the divorce as a strong, whole, and healthy person. I am financially secure and own my own home. My children are healthy and happy.

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However

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I do have a piece missing.

It would be nice [I think] to have someone who looks to me, and my wants / desires / needs, first before all others.

I have a primary partner but I want to be a primary partner.