Day 47 and nothing to do with quarantine and viruses

First thing this morning, I drew the Five of Cups tarot card.

The Five of Cups shows a man in a long black cloak looking down on three cups that have been knocked over – symbolic of his disappointments and failures. Behind him stand two cups representing new opportunities and potential, but because he is so fixed on his losses (the over-turned cups), he misses the opportunities available to him.

In the background, a bridge crosses a large, flowing river and leads to the security of the castle or home on the opposite side of the riverbank – if only he can move on from the over-turned cups. The bridge is a message to 'build a bridge and get over it!'

As I soaked in the hot tub, I had this card in the back of my mind. Disappointments and failures, missed opportunities. Something my daughters' step-mother said last week, during our "Family Cocktail Zoom", about the mother-in-law we had had in common, also stuck back there.

My family dynamic, when I was young, seemed lopsided to me. My father was clearly dominant, what he wanted is what happened, what he said was law. I saw my mother as weakly, meekly, acquiescing to all he said. This was from a child's point of view, of course, and wasn't what was really going on. My parents adored each other and were, as far as they could be in the 1950's, pretty much equal partners. But what I saw was my Mom always siding with Dad when I rebelled, never taking my side. What we see, hear, feel, as children can shape our adult, or at least older, selves. Unconsciously or sub-consciously, I planned to have a different dynamic when I finally got married.

In Davy's family, I saw a kind and loving husband, doing everything he could to make his wife happy. What was actually there, and what Davy internalized, was a cold, stern, domineering wife walking rough shod all over her husband. Not a dynamic HE wanted to replicate in HIS marriage.

Part of the problem we had was due to our both being way too young to start a family, but that doesn't excuse us. He must have been terrified to suddenly have a wife and two babies when he was only 23 and had no job. No wonder he jumped at the chance to teach at East Carolina University. Now he could provide for his family. Also, his parents lived close by and he would have his mother to lean on.

I, on the other hand, had just been accepted at Syracuse University in the Library School. We were living in my grandmother's house, only a short way from my parents, and I had all of my support right there.  I saw his actions as being just like my father's -- he hadn't told me he was applying for the job, only told me after he had accepted it. We were to move hundreds of miles away; I was to give up my dream of graduate school; I hadn't even been consulted; I would be living near my mother-in-law who disliked me.

Too young to cope with the situation and each other, we separated, divorced and both lived near their support center.

Those who don't understand their own history are doomed to repeat it. Stay tuned for the next chapter.

another question for me to think about

Why am I so reluctant to "party" with, or even around, her?

We are friends. Adults. Both physically and socially active. We both like to "party. We genuinely like each other.

We have seen each other naked.


When she is not there,
     I feel very uninhibited ... now anyway, even if not at the start. I do not think about or analyze my actions and reactions; I go with the flow; I join in with anyone I feel inclined to join in with.

When she is there, even in the next room, outside, out of sight,
     I temper my actions and reactions; I consider more carefully what I do and who I do it with; what I say and who I say it to. Its as if I am outside of myself, looking at myself with her eyes.

I wonder if maybe ...

... perhaps ...

... could it be ...

... is it possible that ... I am ashamed of what I do there?


Or do I feel that she might be judging me? And I do want her good opinion of me.

Or is it maybe because of "he who connects us"? Is it maybe because of that connection?

Definitely something for me to think about.

untwisting the knickers

The fact of their intimate relationship and the nature of that relationship is none of my business. The fact and the nature of *our* relationship is.

Sometimes a facet of their relationship may cause me discomfort or even pain. I may or may not choose to pitch a fit about it or to stay silent. Either way, I will deal with my pain or discomfort.

If I do pitch a fit, then he will have the choice to deal with that or not. However, “not dealing with it” should not entail preemptive dishonesty, whether outright lying or misdirection or deception of any sort.

I feel patronized when my choice to be upset or not is removed by his not being completely open and honest. Lies of omission are as serious as lies of commission.

We have promised to try to have “no twisted knickers” and I have tried to be as open and honest as I can. Not “as much truth as the relationship can bear”, but rather as much truth as we can find.

A Witch's New Year

Samhain is a time for celebrating life and remembering the dead; it is also a time for reflecting on the old year and planning for the new.

Reflection

I have -- children who are, for the most part, healthy and happy.

I have -- a lover who loves me, who treats me wonderfully.

I have -- a small group of friends I love, who love me; and we all rely on each other for mutual support.

I have -- after studying hard for a few years, achieved recognition and certification in a profession where I can make a difference and where I am proud to work with a group of amazing colleagues.

I have -- a comfortable house in a safe and friendly neighborhood; the house belongs 1/3 to the bank but 2/3 is mine outright.

The secret to happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got. And that is why I am so blue today. There are some things lacking, things I want and haven't got and I can't seem get past that.

I want -- a job where I can respect my supervisor; where I can work for someone who values my knowledge, competence and contributions; where I am compensated at least at the profession's minimum rather than close to minimum wage; where I am treated as a fellow professional rather than as a servant.

I want -- a partner who looks to me first for affection, companionship, love; someone I can turn to on dark nights and rainy days; someone to play with in the sunshine; someone to make plans for the future with; someone to grow old with.

Planning

Already, I have taken steps to resolve the professional issue. My resume is winging its way around the county and a bit beyond, accompanied by the best cover letters I can compose. My hope is that it will bring me more professional satisfaction, contentment, fulfillment and financial security.

Tomorrow night, my Full Moon ritual will attempt to do the same for the relationship issue. My petition to Goddess will wing its way into the universe, and perhaps a bit beyond, accompanied by the best prayers I can compose. My hope is that it will bring me a companion to soothe my fears of growing old alone.

Perhaps, by this time next year, I will no longer want what I don't have; either because I have obtained it or because I have become more enlightened. Stay tuned ... news at 11/1/10

choices

In one of her recent songs, Melissa Etheridge has the lines --
"I made every choice along the way,
Each day I stayed in hell, I chose to stay."

At first that made me sad-angry-confused when I applied it to my recent sojourn in hell. How could I say I had chosen to stay in an abusive, loveless marriage? What? No way! But only when I actually owned up to myself that, yes, I had made that choice, every day, was I able to move beyond the paralysis and into my new life.

I chose to stay because: it was easier than arguing; it was safer than trying to support myself and my children without him; the material things he provided made my life very comfortable. When I eventually chose to step away from all that, it was because: my self had become a stranger to me; a diamond tennis bracelet or a trip abroad was not enough to erase the bruised arm or the bruised ego; because I was giving my children the wrong role model.

I made every choice along the way, including the last one. If I want to take credit for and be proud of the choice to make a new life for myself, I have to also take credit for and acknowledge the choices before that.