Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Insecurity, envy, jealousy and low self-esteem

Wow.
Where do I start?
She has accused me of --
  • uncertainty
  • insecurity
  • envy
  • jealousy
  • low self-esteem
 Yes, I (we) do have a certain amount of uncertainty -- not about our relationship together, but rather about our relationship with them. That is the main reason we broke off the relationship with them. We were uncertain as to their
    • motives
    • interests
    • priorities
    • lives
    • schedules
I do not have any insecurity about your love or my place in your heart, your life. You have no insecurity about my love or your place in my heart, my life.

I do envy -- her travel, her collection of wonderful art, her sureness that she is always right. But I have traveled (Russia, Austria, England, Australia, Guatemala) and plan to travel more. In my travels I have collected, not wonderful art but wonderful experiences; I have meet wonderful people; I have wonderful memories. I am not sure that I am always right; but I am sure that I always try to do the right thing. There really is nothing there to envy.

I did feel jealousy -- for the time you spent with her that could have been (better?) spent with me. It is hard to spend a night together and then rush through a cursory breakfast because you are going to have frittata (among other things) with her. But when you are with C. or V. or B. or M. or A. or any of a number of others, I know you are happy and enjoying them and yourself; I do not feel jealousy.

My therapist and I agree that my self-esteem is not low. I have a good sense of my abilities and capabilities. My self-esteem is, however, fragile.  That is why I need a little bolstering every once in a while -- a reminder of my abilities and capabilities and place in your heart and your life.

Every experience is a learning experience. This one has been AFGE -- another fucking growth experience.
 I've learned a lot.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Loving More

I went to an interesting meeting last night, a Loving More Poly Group has a pot luck on the second Thursday of every month. There are a few people who show up regularly and a large rotating cast of occasional members. This was only my second time there but it is such a nice, safe, caring place that I went last night even though my boyfriend couldn't go and I hitched a ride over with another couple.

After the pot luck part [I took a ravishingly tasty Mexican Bean and Corn Salad that was very well received, thenkyewverramuch ;-) ], we gathered into a circle, introduced all around, and the evening's moderator pulled a topic from the introductions for discussion.

Jealousy -- how do you deal with your own, and what do you owe to a partner who is experiencing jealousy? There was a lot of discussion about jealousy vs envy (your partner and his/her lover are having a good time without you and you are ... envious or jealous?) How does jealousy make you feel about yourself and your relationship? What sorts of mechanisms do you use to avoid or recover from jealousy/envy?

Dealing with a partner who is jealous seemed to be a harder thing to do than dealing with one's own. We all seem to want to *fix* it -- make them feel better, avoid activities that make them feel jealous. The consensus eventually was that we need to acknowledge our partner's feelings but that ultimately everyone is responsible for their own feelings. By *fixing* or by tiptoeing around so they can avoid feeling jealous, we are not treating them like equals and adults. By trying to take ownership of their jealousy, we are instead patronizing as well as stifling their growth.

My Chickens' First Night

 Sunset  was at 8:11 pm so I went out to the pen a little after 8. The three chickens were milling around, scratching and peeping and seemin...