Act of Rebellion?

I was three weeks shy of my 18th birthday when I gave up my virginity. I didn't lose it, mind; I know exactly where it went. For whatever reason, I had decided to give it up sometime before the date when it would have been, arbitrarily, legal to do so.

Unbeknownst to my designated "recipient", the process was all carefully orchestrated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim and I had been dating for about a year. He was much older than I, around 22 to my 16, and glamorous because of it. He was a reporter for our local morning newspaper; back in the day, most metropolitan areas of any size had both a morning and an evening newspaper. We attended concerts and other events when he was "comped" the tickets. We also went to clubs to dance and hear live music. Despite my age, we were never bounced out and I was exposed to a lot of very good jazz and blues.

Our physical relationship was limited to kissing and touching because he was extremely sensitive to my age and extremely reluctant to go to jail. I know he also dated other, older, women and I dated classmates; but we spent a good deal of time together and grew close as friends.

When the time came, I knew that I did not want to find out what sex was all about from someone who knew as little as (or less than!) I did; it had to be someone who was experienced and who would and could take the time to help me learn more about my own body. Jim, I decided, would be perfect for this: he was experienced, he knew me, we liked each other, he was gentle, he cared about me.

During my freshman year at college, the Guarnieri Quartet was in residence and gave occasional concerts as well as teaching and leading seminars for the advanced music students. I invited Jim to  to attend the concert and to see my school. We arranged for him to stay at the motel next to campus. After a nice dinner, we listened to wonderful music for a couple of hours; then I suggested a night-cap at his motel room. Jim was a little surprised by this, but definitely game! Conveniently, there was a liquor store just down the road from the motel and we bought a bottle of his favorite, bourbon, to take with us.

Here is where we fade to black for a while ... the exact details are for his memory and mine. I did tell him that I had signed out of the dorm for the night so that curfew (we had that too, back in the day) wouldn't be an issue. Suffice it to say, the experience was lovely, sweet, wonderful and memorable. My "first time" involved waking up in the arms of my lover rather than fumbling for zippers in the back seat of a car.

Aha! moment

Not ashamed.
Not judgment.
Not "him".

It is the fact that we have a pre-existing relationship that is fueling my hesitation!

Now, to find a way to combine the intimacy with the pre-existing condition :-)

another question for me to think about

Why am I so reluctant to "party" with, or even around, her?

We are friends. Adults. Both physically and socially active. We both like to "party. We genuinely like each other.

We have seen each other naked.


When she is not there,
     I feel very uninhibited ... now anyway, even if not at the start. I do not think about or analyze my actions and reactions; I go with the flow; I join in with anyone I feel inclined to join in with.

When she is there, even in the next room, outside, out of sight,
     I temper my actions and reactions; I consider more carefully what I do and who I do it with; what I say and who I say it to. Its as if I am outside of myself, looking at myself with her eyes.

I wonder if maybe ...

... perhaps ...

... could it be ...

... is it possible that ... I am ashamed of what I do there?


Or do I feel that she might be judging me? And I do want her good opinion of me.

Or is it maybe because of "he who connects us"? Is it maybe because of that connection?

Definitely something for me to think about.

Poets

Pondering on my previous pondering.

Physical stuff is somewhat easy to talk about. We have lots of words for the physical, most nouns are devoted to things we can see, touch, taste, hear, smell; things we know exist because we can sense them. If we have a common language and common vocabulary, we can pretty much understand what the other means by "tree", "heart" (the physical organ), "brain".

Thoughts, ideas, mental stuff -- that is much harder. We need more words and more back and forth and more discussion to come to some less than perfect understanding. As well as the common language and common vocabulary, we also need common cultural references. With some negotiation, we can (sometimes / usually / often) come to understand what the other means by "heart" (the center of personality? or the center of emotion? or the basis of sympathy?) or "mind" (consciousness? intellect? totality of mental processes?)

I despair of fully describing for you, or fully understanding your descriptions of, the spiritual or emotional. Even with common language and vocabulary and cultural references, I find it difficult to convey or understand "love", "passion". For that I need to borrow a poet's words.

Passion is feeling in motion
Compassion is standing still
...
Hearing is letting it happen
But to listen's a work of will

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, how to talk about the spark, the connection, that transforms a moment of physical interaction into a moment of intimacy?

I know what I mean by that "connection". I think.

I don't know how to explain it to you or if I fully grasp what you mean by it.

It would be so much easier if we had been designed a bit better -- with an actual spark arcing  between lovers hearts or fingertips. But only when there was a Real Connection of course. Wouldn't want sparks flying all helter skelter around the room indiscriminately, would we?

Pondering

"Were you and J Lovers?"

Good question. For me, there are three parts to "Lovers" -- physical, mental and emotional/spiritual.

Physical.
Sex. Capital S.
What constitutes Sex though? For me, some genitals must be involved. The hottest, deepest, wettest, most passionate kiss is just a kiss. Or maybe a K*I*S*S, but still not Sex. It is "only" mouth to mouth; no genitalia. I will stretch this definition though to include secondary sex characteristics because mouth-to-breast/nipples is definitely Sex in my book. And mouth-to-genitals counts as Sex just as much as hands-to- or genitals-to-.

But how much Sex does it take to be Lovers? 
Once is a one night stand, right? What about once before one person deploys for three years to some foreign war but the other two components (below) persist for the three years -- are they Lovers for three years?

Once, without the other two components is not enough; with both though, I think it would suffice. 'Twould be wicked frustrating, but would suffice. Several times, without the other two components? That is called a Fuck Buddy.

But Sex alone is not enough to constitute "being Lovers".

Mental
Don't know about you all, but my brain is definitely an erogenous zone. "Seduce my mind and you can have my body ..."  "All I need now is intellectual intercourse..."  I believe that Lovers must have some sort of meeting of the minds, be on the same wavelength, have some common cultural references. You need something to talk about while you are mustering up reserves for the next roll in the hay, eh? But even that isn't quite enough. Maybe enough for Friends With Benefits, but not for Lovers.

Emotional/Spiritual

"... find my soul and I'm yours forever."  "... a soul to dig the hole much deeper." You make my heart sing. The thrill I get every time I hear your voice. Knowing we share hopes and dreams and wishes as well as wants and desires. It is harder to pin down, but the emotional/spiritual part is to me the deal breaker. It must be there or we are only FWBs or FBs or something else, but not Lovers.

Answer -- J and I are Friends With Benefits. Further answer -- D and I were Fuck Buddies, M1 and I were Lovers.

"What I wouldn't give to find a soul mate, someone else to catch this drift ..."
M2 and I are Soul Mates, and that is another story altogether.
 
*****
aside: If you can have Oral Sex with yourself, please send me the name of your yoga instructor. Please?