Day 47 and nothing to do with quarantine and viruses

First thing this morning, I drew the Five of Cups tarot card.

The Five of Cups shows a man in a long black cloak looking down on three cups that have been knocked over – symbolic of his disappointments and failures. Behind him stand two cups representing new opportunities and potential, but because he is so fixed on his losses (the over-turned cups), he misses the opportunities available to him.

In the background, a bridge crosses a large, flowing river and leads to the security of the castle or home on the opposite side of the riverbank – if only he can move on from the over-turned cups. The bridge is a message to 'build a bridge and get over it!'

As I soaked in the hot tub, I had this card in the back of my mind. Disappointments and failures, missed opportunities. Something my daughters' step-mother said last week, during our "Family Cocktail Zoom", about the mother-in-law we had had in common, also stuck back there.

My family dynamic, when I was young, seemed lopsided to me. My father was clearly dominant, what he wanted is what happened, what he said was law. I saw my mother as weakly, meekly, acquiescing to all he said. This was from a child's point of view, of course, and wasn't what was really going on. My parents adored each other and were, as far as they could be in the 1950's, pretty much equal partners. But what I saw was my Mom always siding with Dad when I rebelled, never taking my side. What we see, hear, feel, as children can shape our adult, or at least older, selves. Unconsciously or sub-consciously, I planned to have a different dynamic when I finally got married.

In Davy's family, I saw a kind and loving husband, doing everything he could to make his wife happy. What was actually there, and what Davy internalized, was a cold, stern, domineering wife walking rough shod all over her husband. Not a dynamic HE wanted to replicate in HIS marriage.

Part of the problem we had was due to our both being way too young to start a family, but that doesn't excuse us. He must have been terrified to suddenly have a wife and two babies when he was only 23 and had no job. No wonder he jumped at the chance to teach at East Carolina University. Now he could provide for his family. Also, his parents lived close by and he would have his mother to lean on.

I, on the other hand, had just been accepted at Syracuse University in the Library School. We were living in my grandmother's house, only a short way from my parents, and I had all of my support right there.  I saw his actions as being just like my father's -- he hadn't told me he was applying for the job, only told me after he had accepted it. We were to move hundreds of miles away; I was to give up my dream of graduate school; I hadn't even been consulted; I would be living near my mother-in-law who disliked me.

Too young to cope with the situation and each other, we separated, divorced and both lived near their support center.

Those who don't understand their own history are doomed to repeat it. Stay tuned for the next chapter.