The Sands of Time

Each Being that enters this plane of existence is issued, among other things, a handful of sand. The idea is to use, expend, give away, the last grain of sand at the moment of passing into the next plane. Here is how it works:

A very young Being is more often the recipient of sand, from its parents, relatives, siblings, caregivers and is thus careless about letting sand slip through its fingers. As a Being progresses, it will start to give sand more purposefully: a grain to the playground, a grain to school, a grain or two (or five or more in the case of my son) to video games. The more mature Being then gives sand to a job, employment, career, trade, profession, avocation; and to other Beings. Soon there are a circle of other Beings receiving your sand and from whom you receive it back; but one, or two, or three, special, particular Beings who receive a lot of it. As a Being comes closer to passing into the next plane, they see that the once abundant handful of sand has dwindled to fewer and fewer grains and they become even more particular about giving them away. Perhaps some of the sand perviously given to a job is now given to golf or gardening or a new sailboat. [note:if the sailboat, prepare to devote a LARGE amount of sand. I'm just saying.]

As we Beings progress, we become more conscious of the passing away of our sand, and more careful where we bestow it. Sometimes we continue to give sand to another Being who does not value it. They do not give us sand in return, or they let our sand slip through their fingers onto the ground. Other Beings try to push more of their sand on us, perhaps trying to elicit an exchange, perhaps to garner sympathy, perhaps to put us in their debt.

The very best situation that can occur between two Beings is when sand is exchanged freely and given away joyfully. Then there is Love. Which is a whole 'nother story entirely.

Thought for today

I think the basis of monogamy is pretty much exclusivity and the basis of polyamory is pretty much inclusive-ity. Finding a space where those would overlap is daunting, not to mention a ton of work.

New beginning

On Tuesday I made a commitment to a healthier lifestyle -- I joined a gym and engaged a personal trainer for 6 months. Michael and I also committed to cutting down on alcohol intake -- we will drink no alcohol after dinner. On Friday I will have my first session with Yvonne and will go at least once a week (aim is twice) more to do cardio exercises on my own (while Michael is with the trainer). This will give us both incentive, I hope.

In the interest of honesty and full disclosure, I am going to post my progress out here for anyone to see. My starting weight is 160# and my starting body fat is 39%. The goals are 34% and 150# -- let's see how I do, eh?

Soul mate

That is the word / phrase. That is the one I've been looking for. You are the one I've been searching for. I love you, my soul mate. Thank you for finding / stating it. Soul Mate.

Need, Want, Love

I love you. I want you. I need you.

Where do these intersect? where overlap? which is the chicken and which is the egg?

Want can creep in as a disguise for lust, but mostly plays a part in love. I want to see you. I want to hold you, touch you. I want to spend time with you. I want you to forsake all others. I want you to want me.

Need takes many guises as well. Physical need: Help me do things. I can't change the light bulbs myself, I can't drive with a broken foot. Psychological need: Help me cope. Reflect my self, show me I am worthy. Psychical need: Help me be happy. Be there in the night, wake me from bad dreams, hold me in the sunlight. I need you to need me.

Love can exist without want or need. But they do all get tangled together. Because I love you, I want you, need you, to love me. Tangles.

And which comes first? Did I need you, then want you, finally love you? Or did I want someone, need anyone, found you and loved you? Chickens and eggs.

I need you. I want you. I love you.

untwisting the knickers

The fact of their intimate relationship and the nature of that relationship is none of my business. The fact and the nature of *our* relationship is.

Sometimes a facet of their relationship may cause me discomfort or even pain. I may or may not choose to pitch a fit about it or to stay silent. Either way, I will deal with my pain or discomfort.

If I do pitch a fit, then he will have the choice to deal with that or not. However, “not dealing with it” should not entail preemptive dishonesty, whether outright lying or misdirection or deception of any sort.

I feel patronized when my choice to be upset or not is removed by his not being completely open and honest. Lies of omission are as serious as lies of commission.

We have promised to try to have “no twisted knickers” and I have tried to be as open and honest as I can. Not “as much truth as the relationship can bear”, but rather as much truth as we can find.

Diary, cont'd

On Wednesday morning the "containment" guys showed up. Heavy plastic was taped over all the cabinets and drawers of the kitchen; the refrigerator was pulled into the middle of the room (with an extension cord) and encased in heavy plastic. Next they "plastic-ed" the doors from kitchen to front hall and dining room and the opening above the pass-through bar and all the windows. A small hole was left at one of the windows to allow passage of a 12" exhaust pipe.

Next they made a plastic encased passageway from the garage door, through the TV room, to the hall and stairs. Upstairs, the bathroom door was sealed, as well as all the bedroom windows. Again a hole was left for the exhaust pipe. They constructed an elaborate air-lock sort of chamber in the garage out of pvc pipe and more heavy plastic with two "rooms" to stand in and put on or remove their hazmat suits.

Once this was all in place, they could start removing the asbestos laden floor tiles and sections of drywall.

When all the work was done, they put up warning posters and left for the day. I had (I thought) prepared pretty well by stockpiling some food in the little drinks 'fridge in the garage. What did not get set aside from the kitchen? A cork screw! Stacks of wine in the garage and not a screw-top bottle to be seen! Also, I remembered to save out the coffee pot ... but not the coffee. Wednesday dinner consisted of two slices of leftover pizza a co-worker let me take (Ta, Jo. I owe you.) Breakfast Thursday was coffee and a scone from Peet's on the way to work.

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Thursday, Feb 25. I arrived home from work around 3:30 to find the air quality inspector on my front walk, calling his office for instructions how to get into my house. The removal guys hadn't told him -- the only way into the containment area is through the garage and the side door to the garage had been left unlocked for him. It took 45 minutes to sample the air, 30 minutes to drive back to his lab, 2 minutes to run the sample through his machines, 1 minute to call and tell me the air quality is safe. At 4:50 pm he called the containment people to come take down their plastic. Sorry, can't do it today. Maybe tomorrow. 'K, bye.

Dinner Thursday was Linguini alla Regina and a nice glass of St. Supéry sauvignon blanc at Milan Restaurant while watching the Olympics with a couple of the "regulars".

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Now it is Friday and I am trying to reach the construction company who were going to send someone at 8 am to measure and give an estimate. I will try to reschedule for this afternoon or tomorrow morning. It is 5:30 am and I REALLY need a cup of coffee. I need a soak in the hot tub more.

[photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/rose-morgan/sets/72157623249704755/ will be updated as new stuff happens]