Sunday, May 31, 2009

choices

In one of her recent songs, Melissa Etheridge has the lines --
"I made every choice along the way,
Each day I stayed in hell, I chose to stay."

At first that made me sad-angry-confused when I applied it to my recent sojourn in hell. How could I say I had chosen to stay in an abusive, loveless marriage? What? No way! But only when I actually owned up to myself that, yes, I had made that choice, every day, was I able to move beyond the paralysis and into my new life.

I chose to stay because: it was easier than arguing; it was safer than trying to support myself and my children without him; the material things he provided made my life very comfortable. When I eventually chose to step away from all that, it was because: my self had become a stranger to me; a diamond tennis bracelet or a trip abroad was not enough to erase the bruised arm or the bruised ego; because I was giving my children the wrong role model.

I made every choice along the way, including the last one. If I want to take credit for and be proud of the choice to make a new life for myself, I have to also take credit for and acknowledge the choices before that.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

comments on friends and lovers

I agree, Naturist, that we have to let our friends take their own paths. I only hope that this diversion is necessary and not just some imagined difficulty he is having. So ... must trust friends and lovers that they know their own minds. Perfect Love and Perfect Trust is a witch's mantra that I find very difficult to practice sometimes. The Love part is easy.

And thank you dear Annie Mouse [ ;-) ] for your comment. It must be even more difficult for you to have contact without contact. Your phrase "passing through" is a help though -- we are all passing through stuff and this is just more "stuff" but there is another side to reach.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

friends and lovers

A couple of weeks ago I lost a friend and a lover. I miss him terribly; I start to talk to him ten times a day and then remember he isn't there, he isn't listening. Still I talk to him, inside my head, but there is no answer, no wise crack, no measured thought, no quip, no flirt, nothing and I miss him so very much. There isn't even the hope that he'll come back someday because I don't know what time scale he works on any more. "I don't know what else to do, my love. So I'm going to step outside of your life for a short while."

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Close to Fine

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it,
I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

~Indigo Girls