The following is a letter I wrote on Sunday, February 11, 2007 to a close (dear) but (geographically) distant friend. It reflects where I (and my head) were THEN; it does NOT reflect now.
Exactly one year ago next Saturday, my best friend and soul mate of 30 years told me, over a McDonald's’ lunch, that he didn’t want to be married any more. He assured me there was no other woman, just that he was depressed and tired and unhappy and wanted out.
He had rented an apartment near work; no I could not have the address; I could call his cell phone or use email or forward mail to a PO Box. He had contacted a divorce lawyer and made arrangements with our accountant. He handed me a sheet of paper outlining a marital settlement agreement. This all happened 6 days after our 22nd wedding anniversary and he had spent several months on the planning of it as well as the timing.
I cried for a week. Then I got angry. Then I hired a PI who confirmed that he was indeed living with a woman who had been working for him for the last five years: a woman who had house and dog sat for me, who had had dinner in my home many times, who had smiled and treated me like a friend. It was a case of her having bigger boobs, bigger hair, smaller brain and flatter abs, as well as her being 15 years younger.
I was shattered. I am slowly putting the pieces of me back together. It is taking some time and effort. The new “me” is a lot stronger and self-sufficient, but also much less open and trusting than the old one. I am not sure the new me is as loveable and fluffy as the old one, but I like me better now.
As I recall, I used to enjoy the company of men. And I hope to again someday. I’m taking baby steps in that regard – lots of friends, a few good friends, no friends with benefits, yet. And then, someday, I may try actual dating.
How I want to be seen is competent, capable, strong, brave, loving, passionate, caring.
How I will not be seen is afraid, submissive, and timid.
Actually, the times they have a-changed :-)