Rowan is traveling

Rowan and her Prince are traveling this week in the Pumpkin-Turned-Motorhome called Moon Dance. If you want to follow that journey, go to mytripjournal.com/rnmflagstaff

See y'all back here in a while.

The Times They Are A-changing

The following is a letter I wrote on ‎Sunday, ‎February ‎11, ‎2007 to a close (dear)  but (geographically) distant friend. It reflects where I (and my head) were THEN; it does NOT reflect now.

~~~~~~~

Exactly one year ago next Saturday, my best friend and soul mate of 30 years told me, over a McDonald's’ lunch, that he didn’t want to be married any more. He assured me there was no other woman, just that he was depressed and tired and unhappy and wanted out.

He had rented an apartment near work; no I could not have the address; I could call his cell phone or use email or forward mail to a PO Box. He had contacted a divorce lawyer and made arrangements with our accountant. He handed me a sheet of paper outlining a marital settlement agreement. This all happened 6 days after our 22^nd wedding anniversary and he had spent several months on the planning of it as well as the timing.

I cried for a week. Then I got angry. Then I hired a PI who confirmed that he was indeed living with a woman who had been working for him for the last five years: a woman who had house and dog sat for me, who had had dinner in my home many times, who had smiled and treated me like a friend. It was a case of her having bigger boobs, bigger hair, smaller brain and flatter abs, as well as her being 15 years younger.

I was shattered. I am slowly putting the pieces of me back together. It is taking some time and effort. The new “me” is a lot stronger and self-sufficient, but also much less open and trusting than the old one. I am not sure the new me is as loveable and fluffy as the old one, but I like me better now.

As I recall, I used to enjoy the company of men. And I hope to again someday. I’m taking baby steps in that regard – lots of friends, a few good friends, no friends with benefits, yet. And then, someday, I may try actual dating.

How I want to be seen is competent, capable, strong, brave, loving, passionate, caring.

How I will not be seen is afraid, submissive, and timid. 

~~~~~~~ 

Actually, the times they have a-changed :-)

Inventory / Reflection

Children -- three: healthy, happy, successful.
Grandchildren -- four: healthy, happy, active, smart.
Loves -- one primary: healthy, happy, handsome, attentive, loving, careful;
a few secondary: nearby and far away, able, willing, loving.
Friends -- several: beautiful, caring, loyal.

~~~~

Additionally
Cat -- one: healthy, happy, active, attentive.
House -- one and one third: comfortable, well located, solid and sheltering.
RV -- one: slightly dented, decent mileage, still fun.
Car -- one: low miles, dirty (but I could fix that), fun to rive.

~~~~~

Body -- one: gently used, strong, clean, healthy.
Mind -- one: active, agile, inquisitive.
Spirit -- one: happy, content but not complacent.

~~~~

Bottom line -- life is good.

Connections

Tonight I had my annual "date" with my (13 years) younger brother.

My (6 years) younger sister was there too, this time, for the first time.

Just two rounds but a ton of stories ... Remember when you ... When she ... When he ... When I ...when we ...

I remember now why I love them so much; how we are so connected.

I'll keep coming back here, no matter what, just for this connection.

Odyssey

Online check in the day before yielded an upgrade to First Class. Which yielded a large comfy seat, orange juice, tomato juice, cheese omelet, hash browns, fresh fruit, bagel with cream cheese ... Nice. Travel through ORD was another story.


The gate attendant got busy helping a woman who meant to go to Rochester NY but who had a ticket to Rochester MN. All of a sudden, "We have 4 minutes to load. Forget the seating zones everybody. Let's roll!"


Captain's announcement, thunder storms to the east, rerouting delays, we will be moving again momentarily. Some movement forward. Stop. We will be moving again momentarily. More wait, inch ahead, wait, we will be departing momentarily. "Momentarily? I don't think that word means what you think it means."


Finally, announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, due to the Passenger Bill of Rights, we wil now return to the gate because waiting to be first in line will take us past the time we can keep you between boarding and take off."


Luck was with us though. That particular plane was needed in Syracuse next morning. So, top off the fuel tanks, load the cattle ... sheep ... passengers and queue up again.


Momentarily ... number 30 in line ... momentarily ... number 20 in line ... momentarily ... Whoosh! Our little plane suddenly was directed to cut ahead to first place -- they were about to trip over the Passenger Bill of Rights deadline again! And I am sure the FA had already notified the cockpit of potential mutiny.


Flight 4332, due @ SYR 6:55 pm -- landed 11:55 pm

~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakfast, see above.
Lunch, soggy croissant with tuna salad and diet Coke.
Dinner, Bloody Mary,

An Open Letter to my New Big Brother

This is an apology for teasing you yesterday about your "sleeping late" habit.

It is not pleasant to wake up in an empty house that used to be full. And your house became empty suddenly and through no fault of your own, which can make it even harder. At least there were enough good things about the "emptying" of my house that they balanced the echoes.

"...I used to be half the whole of you and me
Now I'm the limit of half a man ..."  Chris Smither, Slow Surprise

The things I did to make it better for me may not really practical for you, but I like your idea of "going on the road". I hope you do it more.

[BTW, Mom always liked me best ;-) ]

Heros and friends

Almost every night during the five years before the end, I would have difficulty falling asleep.

Either there was physical abuse or, more often, psychological abuse and until I knew he was asleep, I was afraid to close my eyes or let down my guard. Because he could turn on me again. And want rough sex or want to berate me or want to catalog my failings as a wife as a mother as a woman as a person. But not as a person, because he didn't see me as a separate person. I was wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, cleaner, punching bag, stepping stool for his fragile, and often fractured, ego.

Each night, I would cower on the far side of the bed, waiting for his breathing to slow and grow steady, then the snore, then the apnic breathing that let me know he was asleep and I was safe for now. And maybe he would die in his sleep and I would be safe forever.

Each night, as I lay there waiting, I would rub my head, run fingers through my hair, and whisper to myself, "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me." My White Knight, my Hero, would hold me in his arms and whisper, in a deep low voice, "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me."

The bad times are over. I am strong and whole and secure now. I am separate from that life and safe in this one. And my Hero sleeps next to me, rubbing my head, running his fingers through my hair, until I fall asleep. "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me."

I Love You. My Hero. My Friend.