Sunday, April 22, 2012

another question for me to think about

Why am I so reluctant to "party" with, or even around, her?

We are friends. Adults. Both physically and socially active. We both like to "party. We genuinely like each other.

We have seen each other naked.

When she is not there,
     I feel very uninhibited ... now anyway, even if not at the start. I do not think about or analyze my actions and reactions; I go with the flow; I join in with anyone I feel inclined to join in with.

When she is there, even in the next room, outside, out of sight,
     I temper my actions and reactions; I consider more carefully what I do and who I do it with; what I say and who I say it to. Its as if I am outside of myself, looking at myself with her eyes.

I wonder if maybe ...

... perhaps ...

... could it be ...

... is it possible that ... I am ashamed of what I do there?

Or do I feel that she might be judging me? And I do want her good opinion of me.

Or is it maybe because of "he who connects us"? Is it maybe because of that connection?

Definitely something for me to think about.

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