Heros and friends

Almost every night during the five years before the end, I would have difficulty falling asleep.

Either there was physical abuse or, more often, psychological abuse and until I knew he was asleep, I was afraid to close my eyes or let down my guard. Because he could turn on me again. And want rough sex or want to berate me or want to catalog my failings as a wife as a mother as a woman as a person. But not as a person, because he didn't see me as a separate person. I was wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, cleaner, punching bag, stepping stool for his fragile, and often fractured, ego.

Each night, I would cower on the far side of the bed, waiting for his breathing to slow and grow steady, then the snore, then the apnic breathing that let me know he was asleep and I was safe for now. And maybe he would die in his sleep and I would be safe forever.

Each night, as I lay there waiting, I would rub my head, run fingers through my hair, and whisper to myself, "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me." My White Knight, my Hero, would hold me in his arms and whisper, in a deep low voice, "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me."

The bad times are over. I am strong and whole and secure now. I am separate from that life and safe in this one. And my Hero sleeps next to me, rubbing my head, running his fingers through my hair, until I fall asleep. "Its OK baby, everything is OK baby, go to sleep now, you are safe with me."

I Love You. My Hero. My Friend.

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Poets

Pondering on my previous pondering.

Physical stuff is somewhat easy to talk about. We have lots of words for the physical, most nouns are devoted to things we can see, touch, taste, hear, smell; things we know exist because we can sense them. If we have a common language and common vocabulary, we can pretty much understand what the other means by "tree", "heart" (the physical organ), "brain".

Thoughts, ideas, mental stuff -- that is much harder. We need more words and more back and forth and more discussion to come to some less than perfect understanding. As well as the common language and common vocabulary, we also need common cultural references. With some negotiation, we can (sometimes / usually / often) come to understand what the other means by "heart" (the center of personality? or the center of emotion? or the basis of sympathy?) or "mind" (consciousness? intellect? totality of mental processes?)

I despair of fully describing for you, or fully understanding your descriptions of, the spiritual or emotional. Even with common language and vocabulary and cultural references, I find it difficult to convey or understand "love", "passion". For that I need to borrow a poet's words.

Passion is feeling in motion
Compassion is standing still
...
Hearing is letting it happen
But to listen's a work of will

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, how to talk about the spark, the connection, that transforms a moment of physical interaction into a moment of intimacy?

I know what I mean by that "connection". I think.

I don't know how to explain it to you or if I fully grasp what you mean by it.

It would be so much easier if we had been designed a bit better -- with an actual spark arcing  between lovers hearts or fingertips. But only when there was a Real Connection of course. Wouldn't want sparks flying all helter skelter around the room indiscriminately, would we?

Pondering deleted

Insecurity deleted

What do rabbits have to do with eggs and what do both have to do with Easter?

Way back in neolithic times, imagine seeing a "rock" start to wobble and crack and a feathered creature come out of it. Miracle, right? Yep, totally.

Even after observing eggs coming out of Mama Birds, and after discovering that newly emerged eggs were mostly liquid inside and tasted good, there was still a bit of mystical, magical, miracle about them. Eggs came to be symbols of rebirth, of new birth, and were taken up as symbols of the Spring Equinox and Spring Festivals.

Fertility rituals were performed around the time of spring planting to ensure a good crop, and during the spring mating season of prey animals for the same reason. Rabbits, even then, were notable for their fecundity and they also became symbols of the season.

Along came the Christians, trying hard to gain a foothold with the common people, the country people, the "pagans". "Our religion is just like yours. See how we use the same symbols?" The problem with borrowing someone's symbols without also borrowing their underlying religious significance is that mix-ups can occur. And so we have the Easter Bunny hopping around and bringing eggs to good children.

Don't get me started on Christmas or Halloween!